There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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