if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
