i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
