Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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