Tell her she can't have a vagina
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
