i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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