I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
