there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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