I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
