Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
