so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
