my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
