Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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