There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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