How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
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Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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