Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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