I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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