Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me