You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.