Texts From Last Night

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  (626): View more from California

  Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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  (626): Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/kgjr
  Replies (16) Good night (4293) Bad night (665)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I am the king of creep.

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  (262): I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me". (262): I am the king of creep. http://tfl.nu/3401
  Replies (12) Good night (3312) Bad night (947)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now

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  (815): we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now http://tfl.nu/t0uo
  Replies (12) Good night (503) Bad night (6120)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts

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  (850): I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts http://tfl.nu/nzvy
  Replies (34) Good night (831) Bad night (3993)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

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  (217): Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights http://tfl.nu/27p8
  Replies (21) Good night (3041) Bad night (2416)
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions

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  (253): No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions http://tfl.nu/59zh
  Replies (11) Good night (2299) Bad night (782)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

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  (509): I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier. http://tfl.nu/0psb
  Replies (5) Good night (2130) Bad night (801)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.

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  (610): Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour. http://tfl.nu/a91n
  Replies (6) Good night (1483) Bad night (1159)
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

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  (210): My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out http://tfl.nu/di5z
  Replies (47) Good night (1369) Bad night (6565)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.

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  (414): Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina. http://tfl.nu/fwb5
  Replies (5) Good night (440) Bad night (1295)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.

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  (205): Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420. http://tfl.nu/zl7d
  Replies (3) Good night (1154) Bad night (502)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night

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  (785): This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night http://tfl.nu/pu91
  Replies (6) Good night (1030) Bad night (356)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.

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  (412): You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am. http://tfl.nu/b7a5
  Replies (3) Good night (762) Bad night (325)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka

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  (732): I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka http://tfl.nu/793g
  Replies (4) Good night (524) Bad night (296)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?

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  (678): Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella? http://tfl.nu/jjvm
  Replies (7) Good night (1317) Bad night (235)

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