You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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