the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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