Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
