I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
