Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
