Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
