Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need to sanitize my soul.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
