youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
