Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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