So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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