All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
