She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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