Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
