dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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