Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i drank out of a bidet.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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