Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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