and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He? As in you personified your dick?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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