No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
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We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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