That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
