I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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