peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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