I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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