Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
