those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
