I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
