I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You can't just leave with hair like that
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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