We're facebook friends in real life
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
