Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
