At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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