I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
