you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
time to smoke my breakfast
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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