I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
porn star boner night. come get it.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
