can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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