I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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