I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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