He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos