how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm too high and old for this...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
