Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...