1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.