I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.