You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears