at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
