so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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